Yes, I understand there are far greater things to conquer in life than this subject right here, but this is still IMPORTANT… I am going to demonstrate how I battle long flight sauciness with long flight flossiness, after all if you look good you feel good… right?
On April 27, 2013 and my teammates and I on USA RED TEAM just broke the Amerian Record at Penn Relays in 8:04.31! Why, yes I am stoked, but I also recognize that it is 1:15 and some change and I need to make my 5:49pm flight out of Philadelphia and back home to the Bay Area! I thought of all the logistics before hand.. no this is not my normal realm of thinking, but it was easy… drink a ton of water and sports drinks immediately after to prepare for drug testing (this is important because often times after racing athletes are dehydrated and it takes 6 and half years to pee, thus meaning you have to wait in drug testing for that amount of time, I don’t have that time. SO I must execute a plan to help further expedite the process:
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE DOING SO;
- Guzzle water (Check)
- Guzzle sports drink (Check)
- Cool down and stretch(check)
- Try not to throw up
- Eat (check)
- Try not to throw up (it’s now 1:40)
- Take photos
- Kiss babies
- Drink Water
- Head to press conference (2:00pm)
- Finish press conference ( 2:10pm)
- Drink Sports drink
- Take more photos
- Drink water
- Get Drivers License out
- Check- in for drug testing (2:22pm)
- Do the pee pee dance (2:22.34pm)
- Announce 15- 20 times.. “I really have to go now, pick me… I’m ready”(2:22-27pm)
- Get chosen to show ‘em what I got(2:30pm)
- Produce a cup full of urine to the brim (2:31pm)
- Allow sample to be poured in lab kits (2:33-40)
- Sign a few papers 2:45pm)
- And bounce… (2:50pm)
It really is about a 23 point check list, just as I am finishing up I get a text from Alice Schmitt at 2:52pm, who is also trying to make to the airport at saying “We need to go by 3:00pm”. I of course, BUM RUSH THE FIELD, grab all of my stuff including my luggage and back pack, hand out USA team issued warm –Ups to eager young athletes and sign a few autographs. Alice quickly puts on her manager hat, “No more autographs…” as she ushers us out of the stadium. (Alice really needs to go because her flight is nearly an hour before mine at 5pm and it is already 3:15 now!) So I wrap it up and run along with her! At the parking lot I secretly pop a squat between to vans as our driver pulls up (Please see the amount of times I drank something with-in the last hour, now I have broken the seal and I can’t stop peeing!!! ) We jump in a 15 passenger van with just the two of us and a driver, thank God there was no traffic, so we arrived at the airport at 3:35pm , plenty of time for me! Glad we got Alice to the airport in enough time to check her bags, get through security and catch her flight, but more importantly I am happy that I am early for my flight so I can leisurely check in. I’m feeling like representing my team in rewarding us with an upgrade to first class, and by US, I mean me. Because for the first time in my entire life, I am actually early to something I have an opportunity to enquire. “ How much does it cost to upgrade to first class?” “$200, but there are no first class seats available” The flight attendant doesn’t know it, but I wasn’t gonna upgrade for $200 bucks, holy beegeezus… but since without taking a breath she mentions there are no first class seats available. I smile and sigh at the same time, eluding to the fact that I might have purchased that upgrade. “Any exit row seats?” “ I am sorry darling, but none” “Ok, how about an aisle seat?” “Honey..” “Yes, I say smiling” “You have an aisle seat…” I nervously laugh hysterically, when it actually wasn’t that funny… but I am happy with the aisle, this way, I can pee one hundred and forty four times without disturbing a soul. “Thank you” I say as I head towards security. Upon looking at my clock, I notice it is only 3:45pm and I have plenty of time to freshen up…
In the bathroom this sequence of events took place…
I’m really doing this…
Shower Pill… check
Yes… it’s awkward for everyone involved, but they will thank me later!
Can’t be ashy…
So Fresh and so clean clean
Wash the face…
AH… soap in the eye!!!
Don’t be stank because that’s rank!
What to do with the clothes?
DONATE!!! Lucky winner from stall 3 is Jessie Cutler, Texas A&M Track team manager!
Final Touches… perfume baby… gets rid of all the odor I could not… kind of
4:15… That’s it…
4:25 I have found the most bodacious looking spot I have ever seen in an airport! SKY
5:49 Took of on time.. KO’d And that’s how you do it peeps… A-BUH-BYE…